In a video, a voice that sounds like Donald Trump (but may in fact be an AI-generated interpretation of an angry, revenge-seeking bean burrito) says, "If you fuck around with us, if you do something bad to us, we are going to do things to you that have never been done before."
What? Like ... what?
You're going to put me on a cruise ship? You're going to take me to the Smithsonian? You're going to read me the complete written works of Mike Huckabee? What the hell are you even going on about?
I'm still holding out hope for the bean burrito explanation, because it's difficult to believe that Donald Trump would issue such an incredibly lame-ass threat and take credit for it, and even promote it, when it sounds like Donald was just wingin' it and thought he was narrating a snuff film.
But it's got to be Trump, because nobody else would issue a lame-ass threat anywhere near as lame-ass as "going to do things to you that have never been done before." That's one of his signature turns of phrase, one of the things he burps when he can't think of any actual examples and has to fill space. You know, like, "Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice," which was a for-real thing this clown-faced seditionist actually piped up with inside the damn White House, resulting in days of analysis in which the press tried to figure out whether Donald knew who Frederick Douglass was and that he’s been dead since 1891.
"... going to do things to you that have never been done before?" That's your threat? What, you're going to give me a coupon for a store that doesn't exist anymore? You're going to mail me a live rabbit? You're going to paint an oil painting of me stabbing Orson Welles with a long-expired vanilla creme wafer? Do you know how little using the word "things" narrows it down? If you're going to threaten your enemies, Donald, you need to expend more effort than promising to do "things" while an electric organ vomits out its intestines in the background.
And since when do alleged presidential candidates put out videos of themselves in grainy black and white, paired with threatening music and ominous warnings of what's gonna happen if you elect them?
Do you not even understand which side of your own campaign you're supposed to be on? Do you think you're running to be Darth Vader? A lazy, bored Darth Vader slouching at the base of a dying foghorn, trying to threaten Princess Leia but unwilling to make even the smallest effort to think up what threat to use?
Are you going to hurt me? Are you going to give me a million dollars? Are you going to give me a million dollars, then send me a nasty note reminding me that aha, I'll have to pay state and federal taxes on it?
Is the threat supposed to be, "If you fuck around with me, I will make you listen to this tortured robotic cow noise"? Is it, "If you do something bad to us, I will make this extended atonal fart the new national anthem"?
Dude, what the hell you doin' over there?
You already tried to overthrow the whole U.S. government because you were having a whiny poopy baby tantrum over losing an election. What grainy black-and-white thing are you trying to suggest you're going to do that's worse than whiny baby treason?
Are you going to show up on my porch one morning with your face painted orange, and tell me you're a pumpkin? Are you going to try to make me care about pickleball? All of this is way, way too abstract for your enemies to give a flying damn about. It just makes you look like a man who enjoys simulated dinosaur sex noises.
Try harder or go home, you half-assed national traitor. You're not running to be the new Hannibal Lecter, you stubby-thumbed mirror-humper. There are actual Kennedys out there scarier than you, you pathetic burnt-out bulb in a bathroom chandelier.
No comments:
Post a Comment