Former U.S. vice president and benign colon polyp Mike Pence will never be confused with a vertebrate, but he does sit up straight and look you square in the eye when repeating what he thinks Jesus would say if Jesus were the corporate spokesperson for a Fort Wayne-based lunchmeat company that’s trying to get out in front of a listeria outbreak.
Sunday on “Meet the Press,” Pence mildly rebuked the man who literally tried to get him killed two years ago and expressed zero regret for it afterward. And, no, Pence didn’t take exception to Donald Trump’s murder-adjacent proclivities. Instead, he claimed, with his trademark mealy aplomb, that Trump has been walking away from his pro-life commitments and is now—not before, when Pence was his No. 2 and they were running up massive public debts—no longer serious about reducing the deficit.
You see, Pence is running for president and—unless he’s asked to face Nikki Haley one-on-one in the GOP kids’ table debate or suddenly comes down with a wicked case of ennui—he plans to see it through to the end. And in order to remain—bwahahahahahah! ... hoo-boy ... *wipes away tear*—viable as a candidate, he needs to create ideological space between himself and Trump while somehow taking credit for all the stuff they did together that wasn’t transparently felonious or barf-baggingly amoral.
Oh, and there’s the small matter of Trump’s having been indicted twice since leaving the White House, including for stealing incredibly sensitive government secrets and storing them in a resort ballroom “in which events and gatherings took place.” But come on now. It’s rude to ask Pence about that, because it shocks and frightens him—and when the color drains from Mike Pence’s face, he gets angry cease-and-desist letters from Elmer’s Glue.
So when Todd asked Pence if he’d pardon Trump as president, Pence pounced like a NyQuil-besotted banana slug.
TODD: “You have been asked a few times whether you would pardon the former president if he’s convicted and you were the president. Would you?”
PENCE: “Well, I just think the question is premature. Honestly, Chuck, I’ve pardoned people who were found guilty of a crime ...”
TODD: “What was your bar for a pardon?”
PENCE: “Well, let me say first and foremost, I don’t know why some of my competitors in the Republican primary presume the president will be found guilty. Look, all we know is what the president has been accused of in the indictment. We don’t know what his defense is. We don't know if this will even go to trial. It could be subject to a motion to dismiss. We don’t know what the verdict will be of the jury.”
Erm, he’s not the president, Mike. You might remember the moment his ex-ness became official. You almost met Jesus that day. But your work here wasn’t done. And Jesus felt a migraine coming on and didn’t want to deal with a guy who wouldn’t stop asking if it was really safe for him to be left alone with the Virgin Mary.
TODD: “If you were President Biden, would you pardon him right now?”
PENCE: “I just think this whole matter is incredibly divisive for the country. And, uh, look, I, uh, I just think at the end of the day, it is saddening to me that we are now in this moment.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake, you translucent twit. The dude has almost certainly committed high crimes against the republic and—uh, you know—tried to kill you. The correct answer to Todd’s question is, “Fuck no! Are you fucking mad!? I hope he rots in prison!” But you do you.
Of course, it would be fun to see both Pence and Chris Christie qualify for the debates, because if they did, the first question from the moderator might be, “Hands up if at any point Donald Trump tried to kill you,” and at least two candidates would be forced to comply. Maybe more. Who really knows? The dude keeps a lot of secrets, and it may take several more years to recover them all.
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