Remember back in the day when conservatives habitually told liberals that if we don’t like America we should move to Russia? That was when we were trying to feed babies and provide everyone with lifesaving health care and stop George W. Bush from invading sovereign countries for no reason. You know, all the regular commie sh*t we’ve been up to since the ‘60s.
Well, now many of them love Russia because a dyspeptic reality TV star who sounds like a bathtub full of drowning howler monkeys kept saying how awesome their autocratic, kleptocratic, war-criminal dictator was.
In fact, so many American conservatives love Russia now, Russia has noticed—and they’re actively wooing them. And not just with outdoor winter toilets and nearly unlimited beets. Oh, no. They’re building an entire village for conservative Americans fed up with our nation’s woke policies, such as marriage equality and not invading Canada even though its secret military super-moose labs pose a clear and present danger to portions of rural Maine.
Plans are underway in Russia to build a settlement for conservative American and Canadian immigrants seeking to leave the West “for ideological reasons,” at least according to a Moscow-based immigration lawyer.
Timur Beslangurov, a partner in the law firm VISTA Immigration, claimed that construction would begin next year on a village in the Moscow region for about 200 families from North America, financed by the immigrants themselves.
“The reason is propaganda of radical values: Today they have 70 genders, and who knows what will come next,” he said in comments at a legal forum in St Petersburg, which were reported by Russia’s state-run RIA Novosti news agency Thursday. No evidence has been provided publicly for the claims, and it’s not 100 percent clear what Beslangurov’s role in the reported project is.
Wait, 70 genders? That sounds a bit high. Then again, what the fuck do you care, Timur? How do LGBTQ+ people make your life more difficult or any less dignified? Anyway, variety is the spice of life. You probably read about spice at some point and dimly wondered whether it would pair well with tins of navy borscht rations with Leonid Brezhnev’s face on them.
According to Beslangurov, Americans are champing at the bit to move to Russia, which offers only marginally more amenities than the Great Pacific Garbage Patch but at least holds the line on LGBTQ+ rights. (Though, to be fair, most Pride parades feature just one fewer tank than Russia’s recent Victory Day parade, so these Americans’ fawning man-crush on the surpassingly bigoted Vladimir Putin is perhaps a bit much.)
Beslangurov claims “tens of thousands” of Americans with no ties to Russia want to move to the country, with many supposedly acquiring this idiosyncratic itch because they’re traditional Catholics who "very strongly believe in the prophecy that Russia will remain the only Christian country in the world."
Yeah, I know a bunch of Catholics. I used to be a Catholic myself. For many of them, it’s a white-knuckle struggle to get through a Friday during Lent without skeletonizing a Costco rotisserie chicken before lunch. I think you’re way overestimating their ardor, Timmy.
Then again, this is the kind of propaganda Russians have been seeping in over the past several years. I don’t personally recognize this version of America, but I live in deep-blue, hippie-central Oregon, not wherever these people are supposed to have come from. (h/t The New Republic)
All right. Enjoy the 19th century, all you newly minted Russophiles. You won’t have to look into the eyes of another LGBTQ+ person ever again. Likely because you’ll go blind from some easily preventable vitamin deficiency, but still. Mission accomplished, right?
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