ALDOUS J, PENNYFARTHING: The most important woman in Trump's life is reportedly keeping her distance. And so is Melania.

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

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Saturday April 01, 2023 · 11:08 AM MDT

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With the news that Donald Trump has been indicted and will soon be arraigned in New York City, it’s easy to forget the betrayal at the heart of his legal troubles. Trump shtupped an adult film star (allegedly!) just after his wife was through gestating their giant son. (If that kid went the rest of his life answering every question about his gross, venal father with a perfunctory “I am Groot,” he would become everyone’s favorite Trump overnight. Think about it, young dude. You’re already the world’s second-best Trump by default, but you could become an effin’ legend.)

While Barron may have grown to a Grootian height of 6 feet, 7 inches in order to ensure his father notices him among the twisted, flaming, entrail-festooned wreckage of his immediate family, it’s Ivanka who’s always been the apple of Trump’s disquietingly concupiscent eye. And she appears to be, well, mostly done with her father’s extralegal shenanigans.

According to People magazine—which, much like the Nobel Committee, never named Trump the Sexiest Man Alive (that would be Niels Bohr for his groundbreaking work on quantum ear-hair waxing)—Vanky and Donald are more or less splitsville these days.

One “social source” told People, “Even though Ivanka loves her dad, she knows how impossible he can be.” The source also said Ivanka is focused on raising her children and settling down in Miami and is “through with politics.”

Of course, that’s not a huge surprise. Ivanka said essentially the same thing in November—without the “he’s impossible” bit—when her father launched his campaign to ruin everyone’s lives for another four years. But it’s clear now that she’s followed through and doubled down.

“I love my father very much. This time around I am choosing to prioritize my young children and the private life we are creating as a family,” she stated in November. “I do not plan to be involved in politics. While I will always love and support my father, going forward I will do so outside the political arena.”

Oh, great. Well, glad you get to move on, Dr. Frankenstein. Unfortunately, the pumpkin-spiced grotesquerie you helped stitch together out of abattoir sweepings and skin tags is still at large.

According to insiders, Ivanka has spent recent months traveling with her family and trying to ignore the negativity around her.

“She misses her active social life in New York, but is enjoying Miami and all that it has to offer,” the social source says. “She has started over and pursues interests in business, design, and being involved in the lives of her children.”

As far as the legal problems facing her father, the source says Ivanka is aware there is nothing she can do.

Well, if there’s nothing you can do, just you never mind then. And it’s so nice to hear she’s trying to ignore the negativity around her. So are we. Sadly, we’re all pretty far down the waiting list for the Saudi space ark Ivanka and her family will get to hop on when the Earth finally burns thanks to her dad’s benighted policies.

But sure, Vanky. Pop in a daily affirmations tape, have a spot of chamomile tea, and kick back with some of your husband’s mysterious $2 billion windfall. He must be, like, the best businessman ever. Life’s a dream, right?

Meanwhile, Trump’s putative wife, Melania, seems even less concerned with Trump’s fate than his daughter Ivanka is. She’s still reportedly angry with Trump over the Stormy Daniels affair, which is understandable. Though even more understandable would be Ivanka’s distaste over being compared—however favorably—to the adult film star Trump was fixin’ to defile. 

Vanity Fair:

According to a new report, Melania remains “angry” at her husband over the alleged affair he had with porn star Stormy Daniels, which could result in his being indicted by the Manhattan district attorney’s office at some point in the near future, thanks to the hush money he paid to keep Daniels quiet in 2016. (Though the ex-president has denied sleeping with the adult-film star, he has admitted to the $130,000 deal brokered by his former personal lawyer Michael Cohen on the eve of the 2020 election, which Trump subsequently reimbursed Cohen for during his first year in office.) And while it doesn’t seem unreasonable for Melania to still be upset about her husband allegedly cheating on her—just months after she gave birth, according to Daniels—her negative feelings for him apparently run so deep that she doesn’t seem to give a f--k if he is criminally charged. The former first lady, a source familiar with the matter told People, “wants to ignore” the whole thing and “hopes it will pass,” but “doesn’t sympathize with Donald’s plight.”

Not only that, but, according to the same source, the former FLOTUS really wouldn’t be put out in the slightest if her spouse did time behind bars. “Melania loves the beautiful weather and resort town atmosphere of Palm Beach,” this person told reporter Linda Marx. “She is happy when she is in Palm Beach. She has her son and other close family members. They are tribe-like and usually stick together. Despite what happens to Donald, she will be fine. She is well taken care of.”

Hey, very few of us live in Palm Beach, but I have a feeling the weather will be beautiful everywhere if and when Trump actually goes to prison.

I’m no meteorologist, but I sure can predict that.

"How come the girls don't like me anymore?"