Imagine if progressives really were as shrewd, Machiavellian, and self-interested as conservatives like to claim we are. What if there was some dark, sinister purpose—yet to be revealed—behind Michael Dukakis putting on that tank helmet? Or maybe we really did steal the 2020 election with Italian satellites and Jewish space lasers, just so millions of beleaguered MAGA voters who passionately hate us could have free school lunches and a lifetime guarantee of health care.
Unfortunately, most meetings of our shadowy, one-world-government cabal devolve into screaming matches over whether the granola bars Jeremy brought are actually vegan, since they were made in a facility that processes honey.
Speaking of pointless caterwauling, Donald Trump recently participated in a prayer session that a group of his supporters hosted online, presumably so he could venerate, exalt, and glorify the ineffable, transcendent, eternal god of the universe without having to put on pants before noon. And when things didn’t go as swimmingly as everything else in his life, Trump blamed evil liberals. Natch.
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Monday’s Pastors for Trump National Prayer Call—meant to stop prosecutors from holding a lifelong con man accountable to the rule of law—featured kooky Trump confederates Roger Stone and Gen. Michael Flynn, and apparently it was infiltrated, somehow, by the “radical left.”
Shortly after Trump joined the call, host Jackson Lahmeyer, who describes himself as a pastor and entrepreneur, asked him what specific prayer request Trump had for the pastors on the call.
At that point, Trump's audio disconnected. The guests sat in awkward silence for a couple of minutes before Trump managed to reconnect to the call.
"Okay, I guess we have some phone miscommunication. And I think what happened was that the radical left was working on the phone. There is no
(He may later try to claim he was being “sarcastic,” but he clearly doesn’t know what that word means. And if he was joking, he was doing a pretty good job of hiding it.)
How nice would it be to 1) have so little shame you can just make things up on the spot out of whole cloth and expect them to be believed and 2) actually have an army of sycophants at your beck and call who will believe such things?
It’s like Kyle Rittenhouse—and basically every other dopey right-winger with no coherent argument—blurting out “George Soros!” whenever they need a handy bugaboo to blame their troubles on. It’s all (antisemitic) nonsense, of course. They act like every last dollar progressives earn comes from Soros, but that’s absurd. For instance, he only pays me when I can organically weave the word “smegma” into one of my stories. Oh, and ... ka-ching!
But when you have no actual policy prescriptions for anything, all you can really do is point at the other side—like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers—and shriek incomprehensibly about the evil they do. Never mind how paranoid it might sound.
And in case you think this was just a Trump thing—oh, no. The paranoia over liberal omnipotence (which somehow comports with conservatives’ fevered notions about our irredeemable incompetence) wasn’t simply limited to the conspiracy-monger-in-chief. The Daily Beast:
Subsequently, far-right website The Gateway Pundit claimed in a follow-up article that a sinister—and unidentifiable—force was to blame.
“We don’t know at this time what happened with the call with President Trump and why the administrators were kicked off their normally very reliable Internet,” editor Joe Hoft, who was also on the call, wrote. “It could have been call volume, or it could have been outside sabotage or something else.”
In a phone interview with The Daily Beast on Monday night, Pastors for Trump founder Jackson Lahmeyer said that “trolls” might have been behind the snafu—flooding into the backstage virtual call room.
Or maybe you’re all ridiculous fuckups? Ockham’s razor cuts right to the quick, man.
If you want an aperitif, there’s this bit of blather from Roger Stone, the Trump confidant whose sentence Trump corruptly commuted in July 2020:
STONE: “It is now vitally important that every American pray for the safety of President Trump and his family and his enormous courage in this moment. As I said earlier, I spoke to him Sunday morning. He called me, we prayed together on the phone, he was in an excellent mood. He is a man completely without fear because he puts his faith in the Lord.”
Yeah, I know whenever I think of Trump, I picture a guy totally devoid of fear who leaves all his troubles to the Lord. That’s him to a T. Once again, MAGA nails it. And once again, they’ve foiled our dastardly plot.
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