All right, folks—what the heckfire is going on with Donald Trump in these recent “statement” videos? I’m not talking about the stuff he’s saying—it’s unvarnished nonsense, of course. What clearly isn’t unvarnished, though, is his face. Granted, he always gravitates toward earth tones when he unsheathes his makeup trowel in the morning, but lately it looks like he’s trying to match his skin tone to his toilet so he can sit on it all day unnoticed.
Speaking of “sit on it,” I can’t help thinking he looks like someone from my childhood. Or maybe I’m misremembering. It could be someone I met later in life. Oh, wait. I’ve got it now! He’s The Bronze Fonz! Only not cool.
Okay, let’s peep this seven-layer turd salad and I’ll meet you on the flip side.
TRUMP: “Biden did everything wrong. The boxes hoax should be dropped immediately against President Trump. When I return to the White House we will end the era of partisan witch hunts, restore equal justice under the law, and get back to government that delivers for the American people, and I mean securing our borders, creating millions and millions of jobs, just like before. Growing wages, stopping violent crime, and making our country great again. That’s what we want to do: make America great again. Thank you.”
And here’s the German version!
DRUMPF: “Biden hat alles falsch gemacht. Der Kistenschwindel sollte sofort gegen Präsident Trump fallen gelassen werden. Wenn ich ins Weiße Haus zurückkehre, werden wir die Ära der parteiischen Hexenjagden beenden, die gleiche Gerechtigkeit vor dem Gesetz wiederherstellen und zu einer Regierung zurückkehren, die für das amerikanische Volk leistet, und ich meine, die Sicherung unserer Grenzen, die Schaffung von Millionen und Abermillionen von Arbeitsplätzen, genau wie vorher. Löhne steigern, Gewaltverbrechen stoppen und unser Land wieder großartig machen. Das wollen wir tun: Amerika wieder großartig machen. Danke dir.”
Sorry, it doesn’t make any more sense auf Deutsch. I could try it in Zapf Dingbats, but who are we kidding? It’s rancid olive loaf no matter which way you slice it.
Now, normally I’d say something like “creating millions and millions of jobs, just like before? You had the worst jobs record in modern American history, dude. And violent crime spiked under your watch. Have the heavy metals on your face somehow seeped past your blood-brain barrier?” But I’m not here to parse his words for once. This is more of an intervention—and the first step in any intervention is to be brutally honest about how the interventionee’s actions have affected you. And in this case, they made me laugh harder than Ted Cruz power-snorting nitrous out of Reddi-Wip cans as he drives around Arlington in his windowless white van. (For the record, I don’t know that Ted does this. But he does flee from his constituents while they’re freezing to death in their homes, in case you forgot about that somehow.) But this isn’t about me, now is it?
Of course, the bronzer isn’t the only problem with Trump’s face in these videos. I mean, even under the most felicitous of circumstances, Trump doesn’t really “smile,” per se. His facial expressions run a grim continuum from seething to scowling to marginally less constipated than usual. But he looks downright infernal in these new “statement” videos, thanks in part to the elective gilding he’s done to his mug.
Do you feel okay, Donny? Could you be subconsciously trying to “mask” your extreme perfidy and guilt? Is this your Lilliputian superego finally sending up a fizzling distress flare after all these years?I’m worried. That much bronzer can’t be healthy. This ain’t the Donald Trump I’m used to laying my tender, rheumy, pre-gouged eyes upon. He’s taken everything up a notch. The dyspeptic glowering, the barmy non sequiturs, the face makeup. It’s too much, man!
Say, Donny. Maybe you should permanently retire to Costa Rica and get a natural tan for once. That would be way more relaxing than endlessly trying to grift goobers for their lunch money. More relaxing for me, anyway—and I assume just about anyone else with eyes and a moral compass.
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